I was thinking tonight about what makes me feel restless about my circumstance. I try to avoid the word unhappy because of what it can mean, and I don't want to say unsatisfied because I don't want to sound ungrateful, but there is something that nags at me about my outlook on where my life is going. Don't get me wrong, I am so fortunate with where I am, but what I realized tonight is the predictability of everything is what is not working for me.
For some, predictability is the anchoring factor in their life that provides the stability they seek, and I can't deny that I crave stability, but I don't know how to have that without the predictability that just doesn't mesh with my personality. My whole life I have had at least one milestone to look forward to with a specific time stamp on it. Graduating high school I always knew would be June 2007. Graduating college: May 2011. Moving to LA: September 2011. After each of those milestones there was this realm of the unknown. I had a general idea of what I was to expect, but nothing concrete enough to limit my imagination. And knowing that time of uncertainty was ahead of me was what I always had to look forward to, to race towards. It was my weird version of a safety net. As an adult though, those timestamps get removed. Life's milestone may have a vague expectation of when, but no specific date to work towards. This is what I think I've been having a hard time adjusting to. I've been on my own for over three years, but I'm still getting used to the idea of just what it really means to have my whole life ahead of me. A long, undefined amount of time ahead of me.
Now that I'm thinking about it, to some, knowing the "whens" can seem like predictability, and I guess in a sense they are. How I always viewed them, though, was a new adventure of the unknown. So, what I guess I'm trying to convey is that my future doesn't have any specific new adventures for me to look forward to, just the same day to day life. Again, don't think that I don't love my life, because I do. In general, this is the happiest I've ever been. I have my independence, people I can relate to around me, a sense of accomplishment, but I wasn't built to have that all remain the same for extended periods of time. No matter how positive they are.
Confession time: Growing up I learned that people don't stick around for too long. The best friends I made always left in some sense, whether it was to a new group of friends, a new school, or a new town. I'm not sure if this shaped me or if my personality type was what drew me to these people but didn't make me follow them. So now I find myself trying to find new ways to meet new people. I get bored knowing that I've met everyone I can in my current circle. I like keeping my friends around, but only if it's relatively easy. If it's difficult to get together I don't see that as our friendship fading, rather as more opportunities to make new friends to add to my repertoire. New people excite me because I can tell the same stories over again, I can learn new stories from them, I can gain new experiences. I love old jokes and shared stories and the ease of sitting around drinking wine on an afternoon, but I like the unpredictability of a new friendship and what exactly we will bond over. The predictability of a friendship is what I appreciate, but still doesn't satiate something inside of me.
All of this is a crazy way of saying that I need to know when the unknown will happen. I need that push that says it doesn't matter if you're ready or not, this is happening. And strangely that means I have something to plan for. It's a complicated web my mind weaves. I'm forced to finish all of my preparations because there is no pushing them off, even when it's something you can't really prepare for. I hope I'm making at least a smidgen of sense.
To finish my rambling, I am my own biggest obstacle anymore. I've always been the procrastinator, so deadlines were my friend as much as they were an enemy. When I don't have that deadline, I find ways to push it off. Which is what I can see myself doing for the foreseeable future. That's what scares me. Never having the excitement of the unknown because I stifle my own chances with fear and excuses. It's this struggle that will make traveling that much sweeter, even if that much more nerve-wracking.
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