I wanted to start this blog before any actual trip planning began. I’ve been reading a blog called Legal Nomad and have gotten incredibly inspired by her path and her bravery throughout her 6 years of travel, but what I am missing from her work is the build up to her traveling. What I wanted to hear about was what drove her to decide on a year of travel, how she planned for it, but most importantly how she faced any fears and doubts she had about her decision.
It’s exciting to read about the food, the sites, and the people, but I went searching for guidance, or at least validation that someone else who made it work felt the same way before they started as I do now. It’s easy to to look at the joys someone else had, but a lot harder to convince yourself that you will have the same success. I completely believe in myself and my abilities, what I don’t necessarily have blind faith in is my financial abilities.
Let’s be clear. I have a job. It pays me well enough for the life I live currently. This means that I can afford my rent, eat decently, drive my car fully insured, go out with friends once or twice a week (but still be frugal with drinks and food I buy) and pay my dreaded student loans while still saving up a little money each month. The problem with my job, though, is that it is freelance. This means that I work on a show that is doing well and so far has gotten renewed for a new season, and barring any unforeseen problems, will probably continue to get picked up for new seasons in the near future. All of THAT means that I have to plan for the worst (the show not picking up again and searching for another gig which can take a while) and hope for the best (it keeps getting picked up so I have relatively steady employment). However, where my worries arise is that I always have to have an emergency fund that is more likely to be used than most people’s emergency funds since showbiz is a fickle beast.
I have enough money to live on for three months should I have problems finding a new show. I’ve been fortunate so far and haven’t had problems, but I always make sure to remind myself how lucky I’ve been so as not to take that fact for granted. The problem is I only have enough to live on for about three months if unemployed. That means I don’t have the money to go traveling on top of having an emergency fund. I could use my money to fulfill my dream of traveling and could travel a decent amount of time with my money, but what would I do when I came back? What would I do if I went traveling and then lost my job unexpectedly shortly after? There is always something looming on the horizon of possibilities.
Another aspect to my career is time off. Depending on which mood I’m in while thinking about it, time away from my job can be both a blessing or a curse. It’s great to know that I’ll probably have some time off when a show ends. I have vacation breaks built in and can do things on those times off. Where the negative side comes in is that I don’t get paid for this vacation time. Also, if I don’t have a new job lined up, I spend the whole break worrying that I won’t find more employment before my savings run out, so I don’t go have the adventures the positive me saw happening while I was still employed. That’s why a show that keeps getting renewed is a great thing to be on, but also definitely something lucky to happen into. However, the worry wort in me always fears that no matter how likely we are to get renewed there is that possibility looming of cancellation.
What I went searching for on the internet is how to deal with that paralyzing fear of money. I would love to go away for six months or a year and not worry about the money I will come home to. I’m great at managing a budget for my trip and can designate a certain amount of money for adventure, but I don’t have nearly enough savings to leave a decent amount untouched so I have a cushion to come home to if I leave for extended amounts of time. If I leave, I may not have a job to come home to because the show must go on and if they find people they like they tend to stick with them. What if they like my replacement better than me? Or everyone disbands into other parts of the industry and can’t help me out for months until their next gig? What if I can’t find someone to sublet my apartment and I have to continue to pay rent while I’m away as well as housing in a foreign country? What if I do find someone to sublet? Can I trust them with my stuff? How dumb/heartbreaking would it be to sell all my stuff and not sign a new lease and then have to find a new apartment when I get back? What if I can’t find a roommate when I get back? Where will I stay until I get a new apartment when all I’ll want is to lie in my own bed? How will I afford to buy all new stuff and still have money to live on until I find employment again? Would all this be disastrous to my career?
This is the panic-ridden loop that plays in my head no matter which option I try to rationalize.
It’s a level of unknown that I’ve never been able to handle. I’m a planner and a worrier, but I’m also an explorer and, despite my feedback loop of panic, an optimist. I know that I’ll be able to have the time of my life, laugh, cry, eat a lot, learn to cook some of it, miss home, quench my thirst for something new, and on some level that everything will be alright, but all of that is made a lot easier if I can plan ahead. I want to worry in the moment, not about the future, but that’s easier said than done. I know that I could make it work, but how naive am I?
All of this is what I wanted to have someone tell me they went through and what I should do about it all. I know that’s an unreasonable request, and I want to figure it out on my own, but at the same time it’s scary. The first few steps to facing a fear are always the biggest and most difficult. I need to find my momentum. That’s the first part of my journey I hope to trudge through and be able to share so that future explorers may not feel quite so alone in the vast realm of getting up the courage to travel. Everyone’s paths will be different, but maybe we can still walk them together.
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